PRICk, 



$5 CENTS. 



The Hoosier School 



Farcical Sketch 



^ 



DICK & HTZGERALD, Publishers, 
NEW YORK. 



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1 




Class JE5A1A_ 
CoEyright ^° 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 



3 T ^ r V 

THE HOOSIER SCHOOL 

at farcical cSftetcft 



BY 

WILLIAM AND JOSEPHINE GILES 



Copyright, 1910, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



^ 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 

/ 



THE HOOSIER SCHOOL 



''1.- fV \ 



CHARACTERS. ^ 






John Newberry. . . Teacher. 

Albert Jones Country Boy. 

Rube Hopkins Country Boy. 

Eben Smock • • ... Country Boy, 

Ned Riples Country Boy. 

Mary Brown Country Girl. 

LuciNDA FrEEharT Country Girl. 

Pricii.i,a Perkins Country Girl. 

Myra WADDI.E Country Girl. 

Rube's Ma Old Woman. 

COSTUMES. 

Teacher. Age about 40. Dress in rural style. 

Boys. Jean suits, boots, red mittens, scarfs and caps. Made 
up as uncouth as possible. Stringy hair. 

Eben stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles before he 
can say anything, 

G1RI.S. Short plaid dresses, red hoods, red mittens and shawls. 
Hair hanging in two braids, and coarse shoes. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Book, Dunce-cap, two dinner pails, imitation snow-ball; pin and 
piece of paper with " For Sale Cheap" written on it. Bent pin, 
old umbrella, .• : 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, R. 
means the right hand ; i,. the left hand ; c. the centre of the stage ; 
UP, toward rear ; down, toward the footlights. 



©CI.D ]7966 



TMP92-009242 



THE HOOSIER SCHOOL. 



SCENE. — A country schoolroom. Time, Winter. Door at 
the right of c. Hat-rack at the right of door. Map and 
blackboard on wall at the left of door. Teacher's desk 
and chair at c. Four chairs at r. and four chairs at h. in 
rows, sloping inwards from front up stage. Stool at rear 
of the Boys' chairs. 

ENTER Teacher at door. 

Teacher (all over snow, sets dinner on desk, and hangs 
hat, overcoat, etc., on rack). Gee whillikins, this is a cold 
morning! {Goes to hi^ desk) 

ENTER Mary Erown at door. 

Mary (hangs wraps on rack, sets dinner in corner, and goes 
to her seat with books under arm). Good morning, Teacher. 

Teacher. Good morning, Mary. Purty cold this morning. 

Mary. Yes, sir. Ma said she thought it was the coldest 
morning we have had this winter. 

Teacher. Yes, I think it is myself. 

ENTER Albert Jones at door. 

Albert (shaking snow off himself, stamping feet, clapping 
hands together, making all the noise he possibly can, and 
then goes to his seat at r. with books under his arm; as he 
passes the Teacher, half aside). Hello, dough face! (Then 
makes a face at Mary) 

Teacher. What did you say, Albert? 

Albert. I say it's purty cold out this morning. 

Teacher. Well, it sounded like it, the noise you made 
coming in. 

Albert (half aside). I'll hit you in the neck, the next 
time. 

Teacher. What's that? 



4 The Hoosier School. 

Albert.. I said that a sled would run purty good this 
morning. 

Teacher. Well, why don't you speak out so I can under- 
stand you. {Tahes up hell from desk, goes to door and rings 
to commence school; then takes his place at his desk) 

ENTER LuciNDA, Myra, Pricilla, Rube and Eben at door. 
All shaking snow off and stamping feet. Hang wraps, 
etc., on rack. Rube slips and falls on floor. All go to 
their seats. Girls at l. and Boys at r. 

Children. Good morning, Teacher. 
Teacher. Good morning, children. 

Eben (following up behind, stamps feet, pats hands, gig- 
gles and whistles). Good morning. Teacher. 
Teacher. Good morning, Eben. 

(Albert pulls chair just as Rube sits down, and Rube sits on 
the floor.) 

ENTER Ned at door. 

Ned (just as he opens the door, throws a snowhall and 
hits Teacher, then turns and shakes his fist out the door to 
make the Teacher think it was someone outside). You'd 
better cut that out there, fellow, or our Teacher will come 
out after you. 

Teacher (jumps and runs to the door and looks out). 
Who was it, Albert ? 

Albert. That old Jim Gordon. He Just went a-tearing 
down over the hill, home. 

Teacher. Gol darn his hide! But come on to your seat, 
Albert, don't fight with them bad boys; be a good boy, I'll 
'tend to that lad. 

(Ned goes to his seat, winks at the hoys. Teacher takes his 
seat at desk. Lucinda and Pricilla get into a fight, slap 
and pull each other's hair.) 

Lucinda. I know thet they do. 

Pricilla. Well, I know they don't. 

Teacher (looks over his specks at them). Well, girls, I 
am surprised. 

Lucinda. Well, I don't care, she said that their cows give 
more milk than ours, and I know very well that they don't. 

Pricilla. Well, I know they do. 

Lucinda. Well, I know they don't, and if you say they do, 
I'll slap your face for you. 



The Hoosier School, '- 5 

pRiciLLA. You can't do it. You old red-hair. 

LuciNDA. Old red-face. 

• Pricilla. Old red-hair, old red-hair. 

LuciNDA. Old red-face, old red-face. 

(Both begin to pull each other s hair. Rube jumps up and 
tries to part them, they hoth pitch on him, slap him and 
knock him down, kicking and slapping him. Rube crawls 
to his seat.) 

Teacher (coming from his desk). Now, girls, I don't 
want to whip you, but you must stop this fighting or I'll have 
to. Now I want you both to get at your books at once. 

(Both Girls turn hack to each other very angry. Teacher 
goes hack to his desk. Rube wipes nose on coat-sleeve. 

Teacher. Now, children, you know we have lots to do 
to-day. You know that to-morrow is Thanksgiving, and 
you all have to have your pieces; but before we practice on 
them, we will have our spelling. 

(Albert knocks Rube's feet out, and Rube slides off his 
chair onto the floor.) 

Teacher. Why, Reuben, can't you sit on a chair ? 

Rube (getting up). Wal, Albert knocked me down. 

Teacher. Albert, did you knock Reuben down? 

Albert. No, Teacher. 

Eben (jumps up, stamps feet on floor, pats hands to- 
gether, giggles and whistles). Yes, he did. Teacher, for I 
saw him. 

Teacher. Albert, come up here to me. 

(Albert goes to the Teacher's desk. Teacher puts dunce 
cap on him and stands him on a stool. The Children all 
laugh.) 

Teacher. Now, children, take your places for spelling- 
class. 

(All get up. Rube falls over Eben's feet, and Eben falls over 
Rube. All take their places in front of Teacher's desk 
R. and L. Teacher with hook in hand. Rube pushing 
Ned hack.) 

Ned (pushing Rube hack). Teacher, I'm ahead of Rube. 
Rube (trying to get ahead). No, Teacher, I spelled him 
down, yesterday. 



6 The Hoosier School. 

Teacher. Yes, Kube, you're ahead. Now get in position, 
children. 

{They all line up. Mary, Lucinda, Pricilla, Myra, Rube, 
Eben and Ned.) 

Teacher (loohing at hooh). Now, Mary, spell "Drug." 

Mary. D— E^U— G, Drug. 

Teacher. Correct. Lucinda, spell "Mucilage." 

Lucinda. Mu — ci — lage, Mucilage. 

Teacher. Very well. Spell " Sundries," Pricilla. 

Pricilla. Sun — dri — es, Sundries. 

Teacher. Now, Myra, spell "Verdict." {She spells it 
correctly) 

Teacher. Very well. Now, Reuben, spell " Mahogany." 

Rube. M — a — h — ^y — ha — i — n — e — y, Mahayhainey. 

Teacher. Next. 

Eben {stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). 
My— hog 

(Albert throws paper-wad and hits Ned in the eye.) 

Ned {holding eye). Oh, Oh, Teacher! Albert hit me in 
the eye. 

Teacher {tahes Albert hy the collar and stands him at 
the foot of the class). If you don't behave yourself Pll 
wallop the tar out of you. {Goes hack to his place). Now, 
Eben, spell Mahogany. 

Eben {stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). 
Say, Teacher, what kind of a hog is it? 

Teacher {getting out of patience). Mahogany, Mahogany. 

Eben {stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). Oh 
yes! I know. My — hog — an — any, Myhoganany. 

Teacher. Next. 

Albert. Me — hog Say, Teacher, did you say it was 

a black or a white hog? 

Teacher {slaps hand on hooTc, and paces stage c). Ma- 
hogany, Mahogany, Mahogany, Mahogany. 

(Albert follows him saying "Mahogany," Ned following 
Albert, saying " Mahogany." Eben stamps feet, pats 
hands, giggles and whistles, and following with Rube 
up behind. All saying, " Mahogany." Teacher turns 
suddenly at c, and all run together. Teacher falls 
hack, and the hoys all fall hack in each other's lap. 
Teacher holding stomach, looking over specks at them all 
piled up.) 



The Hoosier School. 7 

Teacher {getting up and holding stomach). Children, 
you may all go to your seats, we will not have any more 
spelling to-day. (Goes to his seat) 

(The Girls all go to their seats. The Boys trying to get up, 
all tangled up together.) 

EuBE (reaching over, talces hold of foot). This is my 
foot, for I can tell, because pa put new half-soles on my 
boots. 

(All breaking loose and getting up, go to their seats.) 

Teacher (comes down c). Now we will practice our 
pieces; Mary, you may recite first. 

Mary (gets up in front with head up, and makes how). 
Let all the nations of the earth on this Thanl^sgiving day. 
Unite in one grand swelling hymn, and grateful homage pay 
For all the mercies of the year, and blessings unsurpassed, 
Whjch have relieved the meed of war by which we've been 
harassed. 

(Bows and takes her seat) 

Teacher. Now, Eben, you're next. 

Eben (takes his place, stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and 
and whistles). I had a little pup his name was Rover. 

When he died, why — why, he was dead. 

Teacher. Didn't I tell you to get a Thanksgiving piece, 
Eben? 

Eben (stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). 
Wal, Teacher, he died on Thanksgiving. 

Teacher. Take you seat. Eben. Lucinda, let's hear you. 

(LuciNDA takes her place. Teacher, standing with his hack 
to the hoys, listens to Lucinda. Rube pins paper on 
Teacher's coat-tail, which reads " FOR SALE 
CHEAP.") 

Harvest is home. The bins are full, 
y ^ ( The barns are running o'er; 

' Both grains and fruits we've garnered in 
Till we've no space for more. 

Pricilla. Oh, Teacher! Rube pinned a paper on your 
coat-tail. 

Teacher (pulls coat-tail around and takes paper off). 
Lucinda, you may take your seat. Rube come here to me. 



8 the Hoosier School. 

(LuciNDA takes her seat. Rube goes to Teacher. TEifcHER 
turns him over and spanhs him. Rube howling all the 
time.) 

Teacher. Now you get your hat and go homa 

(Rube goes and puts on cap, etc., and EXIT at door hawling. 
Teacher goes to desk. Ned pulls Pricilla's hair.) 

Pricilla. Oh, Teacher! Ned pulled my hair *cause I 
told on Rube. 

Teacher (goes and takes Ned hy the ear). Ned, you 
stand up by my desk, PU 'tend to you. 

(Ned goes up to Teacher's desJc, and ivhile the Teacher 
is not looking, he puts a hent pin on his chair.) 

Teacher. Now, Albert, let's hear your piece. 

Albert (takes his place). The wind blew Yankee doodle 
on an old frying pan, and knocked an old Dutch churn down, 
and killed an old sow, and three dead pigs. 

Teacher. Didn't I tell you boys, that I wanted you to 
get a Thanksgiving piece? Now go to your seats and do 
what I tell you. Ned, you can go to your seat now, and the 
next time you do that, I'll wipe the floor with you. 

Teacher. Myra, let me hear your piece. 

Myra. Why, why. Teacher, Pa said he knowed it the best, 
and he would come to-morrow and speak it. 

(Albert chokes, Ned heats him in the hack.) 

Teacher. Why, Albert, what's the matter? 

Albert. I swallowed my tongue, but it come back up. 

Teacher. Now, children, I want you all to get down to 
business and study your pieces. Pricilla, you can practice 
on your song. 

(Pricilla gets up and sings one verse of "Annie Laurie/* 
very high squeaky voice. Teacher paces stage c. Eben falls 
off chair. Teacher goes to desk and sits on pin.) 

Teacher (jumps, holds seat, hollers). Oh! Oh! Ouch! 
Ouch! (Paces around desk, holding seat, hollering) 

ENTER Rube's Ma at door, with old umbrella. 

Rube's Ma (pacing after the Teacher, trying to hit him 
with umbrella). What did you whip my little Rube for? 
If I get a hold of you I'll whip the tar out of you. 



I 



The Hoosier School. 9 

(Both running around the desk, and just as the Teacher 
dodges under the desk, she catches him hy the coat-tail, 
and hits^ him over the seat with old umbrella. Teacher 
has a hig red patch on each side of seat of pants.) 

Rube (sticking head in door). Wallop him one for me. 
Ma. 



CURTAIN. 



NEW PLAYS 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM, The. 2S cents, a melo-comedy drama 
fiv 5 acts: by Horace C Dale. 6 male, 4 female characters. Time of representation, 
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actors. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur production free. 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO, The. 25 cents. A farce comedy in 
3 acts, by Joseph Le Brandt. 5 male, 3 female characters, i interior scene. Time, 
9% hours. Mr Mite has married a Porto Rico wife, and has a daughter, Dina, engaged 
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let, a quiet, lovable girl. Dinars intimate friend. Jack makes Ditta believe that Robin 
has been killed in a duel. She instantly marries yac>^, intending to make his life a 
torture. Her efforts are unavailing, and she finds her master in Jack, who finally wins 
her love. The action is rapid, and the sequence of stage situations causes roars of 
laughter. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur production free. 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY, A j or , A JoUy Mix Up. 25 cents. 

A farce in 3 acts, by Ullik Akerstrom. 6 male and 5 female characters. 2 interior 
scenes. Costumes, modern. Time, 2 hours. Sly's father-in-law adopts methods to 
force Sly into practice, with disaster to Sly throughout. Sly's wife is led by Florette 
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before marriage also add to his perplexities, all of which are finally unravelled and 
peace restored. The "situations" which follow each other in rapid succession makt 
this farce irresistibly comic. Professional stage rights reserved. A mateur produce 
Hon free. 

BENJAMIN, BENNY AND BEN. is cents, a farce in i act and 
I interior scene, by Anthony E. Wills. 8 male, 4 female characters. Time, i hour. 
Abadiah, five years ago, invented an air-ship and hired Ben Craft to navigate it. Ben 
lost control and was carried away. No tidings of him. yi ^a^zaA believes him dead, 
and feels as if he was Ben's murderer. Abadiah gets his lawyer's clerk to personate 
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do his part, he gets a tramp to personate Ben. The two are exactly alike and the mix- 
ing up of identity keeps the audience roaring. The real Ben turns up at last and mat- 
ters get straightened out. 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 2S cents, a mral drama in 3 acts 
with the same interior scene throughout, by Anthony E. Wills. 8 male, 4 female 
characters. Time, ili hours. A simple but intensely interesting story of village life. 
The central character is Ruth, daughter of an innkeeper, who has entered into a com- 
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Ruth marries the son of another of her father's friends. Her father disowns her ; es- 
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pathetic passages are well balanced by incidents and situations which elicit roars of 
merriment. 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE 1 or, A Fight for a Fortune. 

25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Frank H. Bernard. 6 male, 9 female charac- 
ters._ I interior and i exterior scene. Time, about 2 hours. Phyllis, Philip's wife, 
receives notice of a fortune left her by a deceased uncle in the East Indies, on condi- 
tion that she marries his adopted son who is about to visit her. Being already mar- 
ried, and scheming to get the fortune, she conceals the matter from her husband. 
Two men call on her with letters of introduction which she does not read, supposing 
each in turn to be the adopted son. The way she accounts for their presence leads to 
perplexing mistakes. Finally, it transpires that her husband is the adopted soa, and 
all ends well. 



New Plays 



BACK FROM THE PHILIPPINES ; or. Major Kelly's Cork Legr, 

15 cents. An Irish Farce in i act, and i interior scene, by O. E. Young. 5 male, 3 
female characters. Time, 45 minutes. Major Kelly has returned from the Philip- 
pines with a cork leg. He has bought a new cork leg, with all the improvements, and 
to get rid of the old one, throws it into an empty stove Kelly is betrothed to Maggie, 
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HER LADYSHIP^S NIECE. 15 cents, a comedy in 4. acts, by 
Evelyn Simms. 4 male, 4 female characters. One interior and one exterior scene. 
Time, about j% hours. Lady Melbourne has discovered the existence of a hitherto 
unknown niece, Nora, and writes to her to come, Nora being fully aware of her rela- 
tionship. She also writes to engage Norah Jones, who knows nothing, as parlormaid. 
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"WANTED^ A MAHATMA. is cents, a comic sketch in i act. 
for 4 male characters, by Gordon V. May. i interior scene. Professor Astralile, a 
fortune-teller, is in bad luck. Squire Babcock offers hira a hundred dollars for 9 
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Squire puts his wallet on table. The temptation is too much for Frisby, who grabs the 
wallet. A struggle — the disguise falls off. Exposure and escape. 

"WHITE SHAWL, A. is cents, a Farce-Comedy in 2 acts and i in. 
terior scene, by C. Leona Dalrymple. 3 male, 3 female characters. ^ Costumes, 
modern. Time, ij^ hours. A cleverly arranged " Comedy of Errors," in which an 
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COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT,! A. 2S cents, a Farce Comedy in 
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Johann Kramer, of the " Lion Inn,'' Catskill Mountains, advertises the Count No- 
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WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 2S cents, a rural Society Comedy in 
3 acts, by Eleanor Maud Crane. 4 male and 4 female characters. Modern costumes. 
• interior scenes and i exterior scene. Time, 2 hours. Mrs. Briscoe, a rich New 
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is an heiress. Paul Briscoe, ruinously in debt, resolves to win Eleanor and her 
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The action compels absorbing interest throughout the comedy, and the qliniax i$ 
strongly dramatic. " When a Man's Single, oh, then 1 " 



NEW PLAYS 



VANOLBS* 18 cents. A farce in i act, by C. Leona Dalrymple. 
A malftf • fMnale characters, i interior scene. £i7l Tracy accepts Mrs.Janeway's 
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The " situations ar« tremendously funny and keep the audience in roars of laughter. 

ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMES 

MY COUNTRY, *TIS OF THEE, so cents, a pantomime for 
X female, by Anna D. Coopbr, illustrating by a succession of emotional and patriotic 
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HARK, HARK, MY SOUL, so cents. a beautiful rendering of 
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GYPSY'S WARNING, The. so cents, a pantomime for i male 
and 2 female performers, arranged and posed by Anna D. Cooper. The actions of 
the posers are illustrative of the text of the song as sung with piano accompaniment 
behind the scene. An old Gypsy discovers a Cavalier ardently wooing a maiden. 
The Gypsy recognizes him as the one who has wooed and deserted her own daughter, 
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6 tableaux photographed from life, and occupies 8 to 10 minutes. 

MISS HULDAH'S OFFER, so cents, a pantomime for i female, 
arranged by Anna D. Cooper. Fully described and illustrated by 6 photographs 
from life. Mist Huldah, a sentimental maiden of 40, receives an offer of marriage in 
a letter which is read behind the scenes. (The text may also be recited as a monologue 
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action covers about 8 minutes. 

SHAKESPEARE'S PLAYS 

The following plays by William Shakespeare, adapted mainly from the 
Carrick editions, have been thoroughly revised and arranged to comply with modern 
stage usages and professional requirements, with elaborate directions for costuming 
the characters in accordance with leading modern Shakespearean authorities. The 
plays are printed in new and legible type, and are especially adapted as text-books for 
sehool ana college use and for public and private reading. 

HAMLET. IS cents. A tragedy in 5 acts. 15 male and 3 female 
•haraetcrs. 

AS YOU LIKE IT. is cents, a comedy in 5 acts. 17 male and 
S female characters. 

ROMEO AND JULIET, is cents, a tragedy in s acts. 16 male 
and 4 female characters. 

MERCHANT OF VENICE, The is cents, a comedy in 5 acts. 
14 male and 3 female characters. 

JULIUS CAESAR, is cents, a tragedy in 5 acts. 16 male and 
f f emSile eh«<a«ter»-. 



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